i used to have all my subject lines as quotes or lyrics, now i just write whatever the fuck I just heard like 2 seconds ago. that was from a sky movies advert.
anyway
i gave myself a goal tonight and i think i'm doing pretty well. i realised that i keep saying to myself, "be happy single before you look for a serious relationship." but that I always whinge and whine about being lonely when i spend time alone. SO given my amazing friday and saturday night alone extravaganza, i decided to savour the time alone instead of detesting it.
i'm wrapping presents and watching south park, and dara o'brien stand up, i had chinese take away (duck pancakes and chicken chow mein) and a refresher's ice lolly, and i'm actually really enjoying it.
i've seen dave more this week than i have over the last 2 months. It's been fucking difficult to be honest. after my 1.5 week stand with Jim, I was in this "fuck dave!" frame of mind that was so liberating, i still missed him but i was all "WHEYYYY" cause i thought i was finally moving on. give me a string of 4 hour shift crossovers with the fucker and i'm crying in the basement with my manager trying to teach me how to be strong. he's helped a lot actually. he really connected, i thought he'd just moan at me for being moody at work, but he apologised for what he rightly as a manager should have done (kicked me onto the shop floor and forced me to work when i was close to tears) and gave me a cuddle and a pep talk.
he's a good guy.
so i've thought about little but dave for days now and i feel like i've taken a massive step backward, which is highly frustrating. Suddenly i'm planning how i'll get him back, what i'll say, etc etc, until i finally realised YOU FUCKING IDIOT THIS IS SO UNPRODUCTIVE. i don't WANT him back i want someone nice and good who won't fuck me about...and then i thought, yeah it'd be nice to be with dave again, but it would be purely to make this pain go away, you know? instead why can't i just hold on tight until he graduates in June and then fucks off back to Colchester? THEN i can properly get over him cause i won't have to see him all the fucking time.
THAT concept makes me happy.
and i'm actually fine when i force myself to be fine. this is progress, man. this is progress.
i can't wait to go home for christmas. i'm a bit worried what my mum and dad will say about this:


AHAHA i'll keep you updated.